Do you feel your life is full of complete opposites? As soon as we think we have a handle on this life, something goes awry. As soon as we figure out this parenting rhythm, they give up naps or catch a cold. I am still trying to figure it all out. Because we are made complex creatures, to have emotions and highs and lows and big feelings and small ones. To feel joy and sorrow and grief and love and bitter and sweet. And often, all at the same time. I both miss my old life and dreams and simplicity that we had and I love what is the now, the crazy, the chaos, the new dreams and desires I’ve found. This life is anything but simple but we often overcomplicate things. How can we love the new and treasure the old? How can be be both thankful for the present and long for the future? How can we be happy and sad? How can loss be redeemed?

Here you will find my journey of learning to live well after shattered dreams and unmet expectations because of the loss of my son. I have lost babies through miscarriage. My five-year-old son’s body failed him. My husband and I flew to Africa to meet two of our children. But that, too, began with loss because all adoption starts with loss.

Baggage. Burdens. Confusion. Chaos. Brokenness.

This is the world we live in.

But there is hope. The gospel is being lived out in my home. I see it when I look into the eyes of my adopted children. I see it when I see the faces of my biological children. I know it when I remember how this family came to be. My family. The Lord’s redeeming story here on earth, giving us a glimpse of heaven.

I am trying hard to listen well. To love well. To live well. And if I am quiet enough I can hear the Lord’s whispers. He whispers through the quiet, through the long walks in the woods, through the gentle snuggle of a toddler or the laughter of my big kids. He reminds me to trust Him. He tells me to remember. Because He has done good things for me.

What you will find here is what remains after loss. You will find posts about grief and sorrow and lamenting over the suffering of this broken world. You will find posts about the hope of heaven and redemption and the glory to come. To will find posts about the in between. The now. The glimpses that we have of heaven, the struggles of parenting children from hard places intertwined with biological children who also have been through trauma. We are not perfect people and we don’t claim to be perfect parents, but here we are. Trying our best to live open handed. Trying our best to trust. To hold tight and let go. To grieve and rejoice. To love well.

I hope you see the common thread of Jesus here. He is the one that links the grief to joy, the loss to redemption, the suffering to love.