At quiet time today, I sat down with Ava only to find my ipod needed charged. Pulled up Pandora on the laptop, randomly chose Chris Tomlin. First song to come on was "I Will Rise". Of course, I'm already missing my sidekick today. The second song that comes on "Here I am to Worship". I know people have tried to comfort me with "it will get better over time". I know that brings comfort to some. But for me, it doesn't. I don't want it to hurt less. I want to remember every detail, including the pain of missing him. I want to remember the struggle, the daily reliance on Christ to care for my child. The blue eyes that sparkled when he teased me. The laughter. The wink when I left him in Jeff's arms at the Danville hospital. The way he sat up and crossed his legs under the blankets so he could watch movies and play with his helicopter in the hospital. His fight. I want to remember how he told me who loved him. And how much. I want to remember his voice telling me he loved Jesus that night we went to the hospital. I want to share him with everyone, but I want to keep him to myself. I miss him, I always will. I long to experience the adventure with him. I treasure the moments that Ava talks about her memories with him. I smile through tears when Liam does something exactly like his big brother. I've contemplated the "right" words to say on here. There aren't any. Just like there aren't any "right" words for you to say to me to comfort me. My comfort is in Christ. My hope is in Christ. I cling to Him. I'm thankful that through His grace, Thao is not suffering. Thao was only in the hospital 5 weeks, not 6 months. I'm thankful God has prepared my heart for this. I'm thankful for that crazy special bond I had with my son. I'm thankful he was the kind of kid that wanted to do EVERYTHING with us. I'm thankful we did.
I'm learning a new "normal". A normal that doesn't make sense. A normal where you burst into tears in those quiet times that catch you off guard. A life that doesn't go as planned. Things take your breath away. You find it hard to breath. You smile in memory. You forget. You wake up and remind yourself it's real. You go to bed just to wake up 2 hours later. You pray. You memorize scripture. You find comfort in what matters. You let go. You find strength in Christ. You find peace in Christ. You wonder. You question. You doubt. You live. You love. You pray more. You try to find a new rhythm. You tell stories. You wonder if strangers can see the tears in your eyes when you're at the store. You remember every one has their own pain. You struggle through the morning. You praise God for getting you through yet another day.
The big picture is overwhelming. It's stressful. It hurts. Moment by moment, God's grace is what I need. When I think about potentially how long I have to live on this earth without him, I have pain. My chest hurts. It stinks. Then I think about how that time is nothing to Christ, to Thao even. I remember my days are numbered, and what am I going to do with them?
Oh so much to say! I have so many verses I'd like to share, some excerpts from some books and such. But, right now, I'm snuggled on the couch with my sweet 3 1/2 year old. I refuse to get up so those posts will follow. :)
I'm learning a new "normal". A normal that doesn't make sense. A normal where you burst into tears in those quiet times that catch you off guard. A life that doesn't go as planned. Things take your breath away. You find it hard to breath. You smile in memory. You forget. You wake up and remind yourself it's real. You go to bed just to wake up 2 hours later. You pray. You memorize scripture. You find comfort in what matters. You let go. You find strength in Christ. You find peace in Christ. You wonder. You question. You doubt. You live. You love. You pray more. You try to find a new rhythm. You tell stories. You wonder if strangers can see the tears in your eyes when you're at the store. You remember every one has their own pain. You struggle through the morning. You praise God for getting you through yet another day.
The big picture is overwhelming. It's stressful. It hurts. Moment by moment, God's grace is what I need. When I think about potentially how long I have to live on this earth without him, I have pain. My chest hurts. It stinks. Then I think about how that time is nothing to Christ, to Thao even. I remember my days are numbered, and what am I going to do with them?
Oh so much to say! I have so many verses I'd like to share, some excerpts from some books and such. But, right now, I'm snuggled on the couch with my sweet 3 1/2 year old. I refuse to get up so those posts will follow. :)