I don’t trust God. I don’t always think he knows best. I don’t always believe he wants to be bothered by me. He’s already been there for me, blessed me, carried me through.
Why would I expect more or ask more of him? He’s already shown up in a multitude of ways. He gave us our precious miracle babies. He poured peace into the hospital room. He shown light into the darkest days and nights. He comforted us in our sadness. He pulled us from the depths. He saved our souls. He made a way for our adopted children to come home. He has provided. He spared the life of our bonus baby. He allowed us to be a family. He created marriage. He gave us each other. We’ve overcome hunger and death and disease, one way or another. And I don’t understand.
I don’t understand why he would bless us more. I don’t deserve a drop of his grace and yet he lavishes us in his love. I look back and I see…I see his love. His mercy. His goodness. But peering into the future, aging and fog and humanity as it is. The sadness and destruction of our own selves, why would he, why should he, why think or believe or trust that he will…
I’m putting a cap on God’s grace. Boxing in his love. Humanizing, de-glorifying his greatness. I’ve made God small.
Because of my shortcomings and doubt and wonderings. I’ve limited God in his God-ness. I’ve placed the blame on myself when I don’t have even that much control over his love. If he chooses to lavish his love over my mistakes, I accept it. If he chooses to bless beyond measure, my hands receive it. Who do I think I am to expect so little of our great God? Who am I to doubt? To measure? To stop accepting or expecting the Lord to blow me away with his love and power and might? Who do I think I am to stop trusting a heavenly Father to bless his earthly daughter with good, good gifts. Gifts of peace and joy, of gentleness and love, of faithfulness and goodness. Gifts beyond tangible and monetary value.
Lord, I need your eyes to see beyond this earth. I need your loving arms to pry mine open wide, rend my heart, humble my pride. I need your all for all of my life. I long for you, for trust and faithfulness. I need your strength to stand firm, your grace to remember your promises. Lord, make me steadfast in your Word, my soul for all eternity.