Yep. It's been one whole year. My heart is overwhelmed today at this thought. How has it really been that long? Yet, some days time drags on so long I don't think we'll ever see that sweet smile again. Sometimes fear creeps in. Fear that I will forget, his voice, his wispy hair, what made him laugh, the eye roll, the wink, his favorites, his passion. Sometimes I still cannot sleep. But, like anything else, I can choose to see the blessings. I had 5 wonderful years with him. That, my friends, is a true blessing. Even on the days when the tears won't stop, when all I want is one of those crazy spontaneous hugs on my leg, (or even a puppy kiss), I want to choose to be thankful. Thank you, friends for walking this journey with us. Today, I feel distance between my days with Thao and my life now. It feels like two very real, yet very different lives. When we lost Thao, we also lost our "plan". Sometimes I feel like I am wandering, seeking direction, yet spinning in circles trying to focus and live a "normal" life for my children, for myself, for my husband. It can be lonely, to feel as if we are doing this together, yet alone. We have those days. Those days when even though we know better, we still feel lost, alone, and overcome by grief. We all do. How do we wake up each day? How do we keep living when things don't go according to our plan? We don't. He does. I am so thankful for my God, my King. The One who can lift me up, surround me in peace and remind me that I don't have to do it in my strength, because I am weak, sad and lonely and He brings me strength, joy and surrounds me with amazing people to walk this journey with me.
There was indescribable peace in Thao's room at the hospital. Today I am reminded of reading this to Thao while in the hospital:
God is my Shepherd
And I am his little lamb.
He feeds me.
He guides me.
He looks after me.
I have everything I need.
Inside, my heart is very quiet.
As quiet as lying still in soft green grass
In a meadow
By a little stream.
Even when I walk through
the dark, scary , lonely places
I won't be afraid
Because my Shepherd knows where I am.
He is here with me.
He keeps me safe.
He rescues me.
He makes me strong
And brave.
He is getting wonderful things ready for me.
Especially for me
Everything I ever dreamed of!
He fills my heart so full of happiness
I can't hold it all inside.
Wherever I go I know
God's Never Stopping
Never Giving Up
Unbreaking
Always and Forever
Love
Will go, too!
(the Jesus Storybook Bible---look it up!)
I could never understand how one child could be so strong willed and yet so peaceful at the same time. I cannot thank you all enough for your support at Royal Donut yesterday. Thao would have LOVED it.
There was indescribable peace in Thao's room at the hospital. Today I am reminded of reading this to Thao while in the hospital:
God is my Shepherd
And I am his little lamb.
He feeds me.
He guides me.
He looks after me.
I have everything I need.
Inside, my heart is very quiet.
As quiet as lying still in soft green grass
In a meadow
By a little stream.
Even when I walk through
the dark, scary , lonely places
I won't be afraid
Because my Shepherd knows where I am.
He is here with me.
He keeps me safe.
He rescues me.
He makes me strong
And brave.
He is getting wonderful things ready for me.
Especially for me
Everything I ever dreamed of!
He fills my heart so full of happiness
I can't hold it all inside.
Wherever I go I know
God's Never Stopping
Never Giving Up
Unbreaking
Always and Forever
Love
Will go, too!
(the Jesus Storybook Bible---look it up!)
I could never understand how one child could be so strong willed and yet so peaceful at the same time. I cannot thank you all enough for your support at Royal Donut yesterday. Thao would have LOVED it.