There is healing. I know there is. Let me tell you how I know...
December was a really difficult month for me. I was just covered in sadness. I enjoyed my children, tried to not get stressed out with Christmas (and did a pretty good job!) but everything I did and said was under a film of sadness. And even though it was hard, it wasn't the first time I've found myself in a valley and it definitely will not be the last. I don't often share the times before the joy finally comes back. I don't often tell anyone the awful struggle there is before the sunrise at the end. Sometimes it feels like a reunion with the Lord, but He walked through it with me. Sometimes it just feels like a never ending tunnel of darkness. Even though I cannot SEE the light at the end of the tunnel, I KNOW that it is there. Maybe to you this sounds like a cycle that needs to stop, but I see it as healing. It's healing because each time I come out of the really hard sad place, I am a little further into the light. I am reminded of fully relying on Christ. Life is full of valleys, and not just when you are grieving a loss of a loved one. Part of my valley was the loss of my hope that Crusoe and Isa were coming home really, really soon. Part of my valley was the life I dreamed of for long was a crushed mess. And yet another part of my valley was the weather, the date, the time of year. Not one of these things could I control, but yet I had this feeling that I should or someone should or maybe that they were controlling me. I kept fighting though. You know, that fight for joy that happens. So I did, I cried out to God for the peace that I needed. And it didn't come right away. I had to concede to patience. (hmmm....again?!Sometimes I just want to scream out "I"VE ALREADY LEARNED THIS!!! PLEASE PLEASE TEACH ME A DIFFERENT LESSON" Oh dear. Now that is inside my head, isn't it funny? Like I have learned something to perfection?) I realized though that I was healing more, I needed to allow God to work and let HIM pull me out of this valley so deep, so sad. Even through tears, I was genuinely happy for friends. I began to dream again, I mean really. I hadn't remembered dreaming since we lost Thao. I thought that was weird, but I also knew that I wasn't ever going to be myself again so that was part of it. I used to have crazy dreams. I read about other people who lost children and then dreamed about them. I never did that. Ever. It made me kind of sad, but just part of it. My dreams are not of Thao, but of friends from my past. Which is ok, too. :) I wake up in the night and I can fall asleep with out turning on the tv or being completely exhausted. This is healing. God is gently leading me up out of that valley. The sadness will always be there, because I lost my son. The sadness of Crusoe and Isa not being home with me is temporary. And the season of Christmas will always be bittersweet. But do you see it? The hope. The healing. The amazing grace of God working through a dark place. And although I actually miss the feeling of closeness I had when I would look for him and harshly, gasping for breath, remember reality. I am thankful that the Lord is leading me to a place of remembering with joy. I want to remember to be thankful for the 5 years we had instead of being stuck in the sadness of loss. I want to remember the beauty of adoption, rather than grieve the loss of a picture perfect family in the picture perfect house that I thought I wanted. I am beyond excited to see our adoption through this year, but adoption does not come without pain. I want to learn how to rely on God for my deep sad times because He is giving me 2 more little ones with a world of hurt on their shoulders. I cannot help them alone.
So, I guess if you are wondering where I've been....I've been in the valley, but God has been walking with me. I've been struggling through Christmas, with genuine smiles and laughter. I've been practicing self control because my 2 year old and my 5 year old are testing me. (I want to yell back when they yell at me! Oh goodness, help me! They.are.loud.) I've been replaying in my head the 2 days I had with my new kids, halfway across the world. I've been realizing how much I love them already. I've been re-focusing, re-adjusting priorities and re-covering from holidays. I celebrated my 10 year anniversary with my love.
Being thankful is my way to praise God through the storms in life. Sometimes being thankful is all we have the strength for. Sometimes being thankful is how we have the strength to do the everyday.
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. I Thessalonians 5:16-18
May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. I Thessalonians 5:23a
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12
December was a really difficult month for me. I was just covered in sadness. I enjoyed my children, tried to not get stressed out with Christmas (and did a pretty good job!) but everything I did and said was under a film of sadness. And even though it was hard, it wasn't the first time I've found myself in a valley and it definitely will not be the last. I don't often share the times before the joy finally comes back. I don't often tell anyone the awful struggle there is before the sunrise at the end. Sometimes it feels like a reunion with the Lord, but He walked through it with me. Sometimes it just feels like a never ending tunnel of darkness. Even though I cannot SEE the light at the end of the tunnel, I KNOW that it is there. Maybe to you this sounds like a cycle that needs to stop, but I see it as healing. It's healing because each time I come out of the really hard sad place, I am a little further into the light. I am reminded of fully relying on Christ. Life is full of valleys, and not just when you are grieving a loss of a loved one. Part of my valley was the loss of my hope that Crusoe and Isa were coming home really, really soon. Part of my valley was the life I dreamed of for long was a crushed mess. And yet another part of my valley was the weather, the date, the time of year. Not one of these things could I control, but yet I had this feeling that I should or someone should or maybe that they were controlling me. I kept fighting though. You know, that fight for joy that happens. So I did, I cried out to God for the peace that I needed. And it didn't come right away. I had to concede to patience. (hmmm....again?!Sometimes I just want to scream out "I"VE ALREADY LEARNED THIS!!! PLEASE PLEASE TEACH ME A DIFFERENT LESSON" Oh dear. Now that is inside my head, isn't it funny? Like I have learned something to perfection?) I realized though that I was healing more, I needed to allow God to work and let HIM pull me out of this valley so deep, so sad. Even through tears, I was genuinely happy for friends. I began to dream again, I mean really. I hadn't remembered dreaming since we lost Thao. I thought that was weird, but I also knew that I wasn't ever going to be myself again so that was part of it. I used to have crazy dreams. I read about other people who lost children and then dreamed about them. I never did that. Ever. It made me kind of sad, but just part of it. My dreams are not of Thao, but of friends from my past. Which is ok, too. :) I wake up in the night and I can fall asleep with out turning on the tv or being completely exhausted. This is healing. God is gently leading me up out of that valley. The sadness will always be there, because I lost my son. The sadness of Crusoe and Isa not being home with me is temporary. And the season of Christmas will always be bittersweet. But do you see it? The hope. The healing. The amazing grace of God working through a dark place. And although I actually miss the feeling of closeness I had when I would look for him and harshly, gasping for breath, remember reality. I am thankful that the Lord is leading me to a place of remembering with joy. I want to remember to be thankful for the 5 years we had instead of being stuck in the sadness of loss. I want to remember the beauty of adoption, rather than grieve the loss of a picture perfect family in the picture perfect house that I thought I wanted. I am beyond excited to see our adoption through this year, but adoption does not come without pain. I want to learn how to rely on God for my deep sad times because He is giving me 2 more little ones with a world of hurt on their shoulders. I cannot help them alone.
So, I guess if you are wondering where I've been....I've been in the valley, but God has been walking with me. I've been struggling through Christmas, with genuine smiles and laughter. I've been practicing self control because my 2 year old and my 5 year old are testing me. (I want to yell back when they yell at me! Oh goodness, help me! They.are.loud.) I've been replaying in my head the 2 days I had with my new kids, halfway across the world. I've been realizing how much I love them already. I've been re-focusing, re-adjusting priorities and re-covering from holidays. I celebrated my 10 year anniversary with my love.
Being thankful is my way to praise God through the storms in life. Sometimes being thankful is all we have the strength for. Sometimes being thankful is how we have the strength to do the everyday.
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. I Thessalonians 5:16-18
May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. I Thessalonians 5:23a
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12