What do you see when you look in the mirror?
Sometimes I wonder what people see when they look at me.
Do my eyes show you what I've seen?
Tears from losing babies I've never held.
Arms that embraced my child as he breathes his last.
Words of comfort to my dying child.
Moments of begging for hope.
Frustration with meager attempts to answer surviving children's questions.
Peace beyond my understanding.
Despair beyond what I can handle.
Love for children I've barely met.
Heart guarded for fear of more loss.
Longing to be whole again.
Guilt for enjoying life again.
Guilt for missing out on my children's milestones.
Desperately strong.
Hopelessly weak.
I see the empty chair, the missing smile, the loss of my child everywhere we go. I dream of my children coming home to me. I wonder how time seems to stand still and pass far too quickly. I am reminded how lost I am. I control, I lead, I DO. But all out of selfish desperation. I want the good feelings of accomplishment. I want to fight outwardly, but my fight is inward. My fight is to daily give my life, my worries, my children, my whole back to Christ. I blinked through tears and pushed so hard. 3 years ago I made puddle jumping spring memories with Thao. I hold tight to that, but I miss out on the blessings of today. One day at a time. Enjoy the now. Praise God for the rain, the sun, the pictures of smiling children. Children I will one day hold. Hold the children I have now. Allow myself to remember his voice. Praise God for those years and the promise that He holds the future.
James 4
Psalm 39:4-7
My prayer is to not waste my life, to follow closely to the Lord, to be sensitive to His gentle leading and share His love in my passion for life.
When I share these moments that make up my life, I want them all to point back to Christ. I want to share my story because God has given me that passion and His love will change lives.
We each have a story, written by our Creator. My prayer for you is that you find joy in that story, find wholeness in our Lord and share love as He meant us to.
Sometimes I wonder what people see when they look at me.
Do my eyes show you what I've seen?
Tears from losing babies I've never held.
Arms that embraced my child as he breathes his last.
Words of comfort to my dying child.
Moments of begging for hope.
Frustration with meager attempts to answer surviving children's questions.
Peace beyond my understanding.
Despair beyond what I can handle.
Love for children I've barely met.
Heart guarded for fear of more loss.
Longing to be whole again.
Guilt for enjoying life again.
Guilt for missing out on my children's milestones.
Desperately strong.
Hopelessly weak.
I see the empty chair, the missing smile, the loss of my child everywhere we go. I dream of my children coming home to me. I wonder how time seems to stand still and pass far too quickly. I am reminded how lost I am. I control, I lead, I DO. But all out of selfish desperation. I want the good feelings of accomplishment. I want to fight outwardly, but my fight is inward. My fight is to daily give my life, my worries, my children, my whole back to Christ. I blinked through tears and pushed so hard. 3 years ago I made puddle jumping spring memories with Thao. I hold tight to that, but I miss out on the blessings of today. One day at a time. Enjoy the now. Praise God for the rain, the sun, the pictures of smiling children. Children I will one day hold. Hold the children I have now. Allow myself to remember his voice. Praise God for those years and the promise that He holds the future.
James 4
Psalm 39:4-7
My prayer is to not waste my life, to follow closely to the Lord, to be sensitive to His gentle leading and share His love in my passion for life.
When I share these moments that make up my life, I want them all to point back to Christ. I want to share my story because God has given me that passion and His love will change lives.
We each have a story, written by our Creator. My prayer for you is that you find joy in that story, find wholeness in our Lord and share love as He meant us to.