I am far from perfect. I have doubts and fears and anxiety. I worry about things that haven't happened. That may not happen. That probably won't even happen.
I think about things that are beyond my control.
I fear things that don't deserve my attention at all.
And I doubt myself. A lot.
Yesterday was one of those days. Actually, these past few weeks have been full of ups and downs for me. Anxiety has crept in and lies have made their way into my thoughts. And I let them. I let down my guard. I began to doubt what I know is true. I began to wonder why God would or how he could use me.
And I started wanting more. I began to imagine that my current role in life is not enough.
I need to
do more.
I need to
be more.
I need to
have more.
Because obviously, I am not busy enough. I am wasting my time. I am not loving well enough. Etc, Etc. (
sarcasm, friends.)
And who am I to write words of encouragement? Who am I that God would use me? There are so many people pointing others to Christ through their stories. There are so many good books and blogs already written. Wonderful eloquent speakers and writers saying all the things, and doing it well.
And I believed the lies. I began to think that I shouldn't do these things.
I lost focus. I took my eyes off Jesus. I began to think less of myself. And that was the entire problem I was thinking of myself when I need to focus on Jesus. I began to make it all about me, even though I wasn't praising myself. I made it all about me, in the negative. I left God out of it. I doubted him and his calling in my life.
The thing is, all the words have been said and all the books have been written. There is nothing new under the sun. But God is writing a story in my life. And it all points back to him. It's really not about me at all. It's about God doing things through me.
And even though I'm not an eloquent speaker or writer. Even though I worry and doubt and fear. And I take my eyes off Jesus sometimes.
I know God can and will use me, not because of me, but in spite of me.
I am not enough. But God is. And he will fill me to overflowing, if I let him.
So I pray that in spite of my anxiety and my short comings, you will see the Lord. I pray that
because
of my imperfections, you see our Perfect God even more.
Hebrews 12:1-2 says:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Some versions say
author
instead of
pioneer.
He writes my story. He is the author of my story. He is the creator of my life. I just need to fix my eyes on him and let him do the rest.
Anything I put above Jesus in my life is sin. Anything that takes glory away from Christ is not okay. That's it. It's so simple, yet I make it so difficult. My doubts in myself actually go back to me doubting that God is enough. I somehow doubt that God won't fill me up, he won't equip me, or he will let me down.
He will equip me for whatever he calls me to do. I believe that. I am not enough (none of us are). But when God asks you to do something, when you feel that pull, when you hear the whispers or when you feel that gentle, relentless tug; you are not alone.
Hebrews 13:20-21 says:
Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whome be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
He tells us in Hebrews 13:5 that he will never leave us. Then he says he will equip us.
Yesterday, I wasn't fixed on Jesus. I let myself and all my anxiety and doubts and fears creep in. Yesterday I had a meltdown. I was a mess. I felt like I was not enough.
I am not enough. I am not perfect. I don't have control over so many things. But today, I will not give those fears and worries my time. They don't deserve it. Today and everyday, I must make the choice to trust.
I will trust God with my future.
I will trust God with my family.
I will trust God to equip me for the things he calls me to do.
and I know full well, he will fill me to overflowing. I know that now matter how many times my eyes are not fixed on Jesus, no matter how many times I begin to believe the lies, he will never leave me.
So at the end of day, I am bringing God glory. Plain and simple. Not over-complicated, huge, crazy things. I just want to give God glory in my life each day I live, with whatever my day may hold.
