I will never forget the first time he looked at me. The way our eyes met, he knew me. I will never forget the tears of joy his daddy cried. I will never forget the gentleness of his cry. Or the fuzzy curls on his head.
I remember the weight of his tiny eight pounds placed in my arms. It was nothing compared to the weight lifted off of me when he was finally here, healthy and safe. He was our rainbow baby, although I hadn't heard that term at the time. He was our breath of fresh air. He was wanted, longed for, prayed for and loved. He was a dream come true, our adventure, our son.
I remember when we got to show him off. As proud as parents could be, we introduced him to his grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. Of course they ooooed and ahhed over him. Of course they would, he was beautiful.
My round little one with the gentle cry, the strong appetite, the button nose. We were so in love. Doting on him as parents do, our love grew deeper that day. Stronger, even than it was before. It grew to encompass this tiny baby. We changed his diapers, soothed his cries. We dressed him in clothes we had chosen so many weeks before. We slowly placed him in his carseat. We were ready to take this baby boy home. To start this life as parents. To teach him and train him and love him and nurture him. To snuggle him and smile at him and love him 'til it hurt.
We just didn't know then. We didn't know how much it would hurt. Or how fiercely we would love. Or how tested our patience would be. We didn't know how imperfect our parenting was. Or how much this tiny little boy would teach us. About himself and ourselves. About our marriage. About love and grace and forgiveness. About patience. About God.
We had no idea how much personality was wrapped up into this itty bitty bundle. We had no idea how many questions we would answer. Or how many questions would be left unanswered.
I was twenty-two years old. Married for two years to my best friend and beginning this new adventure of motherhood. After losing our first baby to miscarriage, this child was the answer to our heart cries, our prayers. I wanted to be a mother for as long as I could remember. Other girls would dream of becoming a veternarian or a teacher. Other girls would go on to universities and become doctors. I wanted to be a mom. I dreamed of staying home with my own house full of children and greeting my husband with a kiss when he walked in the door. This child was everything we ever wanted.
I didn't know so many things at that point. And thank you, Lord, for that. Because not knowing helped me to just be. Just be a mom to Thao. A regular, stay-at-home, fiercely loving, mama.
those toes.