“I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again”
The words ring in my ears. My child wonders why or if or when, as we all do. Will something of the past creep into my future? Will heaven be a place of reunification for my children and their first mamas and daddies?
“I don’t really know what she looks like.”
The mama hole is scarred. The first mama. The one lost.
I cannot answer these questions for them. I do not know.
And the more of life I live, this is what I’ve found. A million questions, wonderings, whys. A million left undone and unanswered. Here we are. Here we sit. In the cool air conditioning, the middle of our lives, the in-between, a mostly comfortable day. Set-backs and sibling fights, a broken dish, never-ending laundry and dinner to be fixed. Typical. Ordinary. Parenting, mothering day.
While just beneath the surface I can still see it. The pain. The suffering. The sorrow.
There are others out there, just like us, waiting. Will my child come home with me? Will I leave alone? Empty arms? Broken heart?
Is that my father? Where did I come from? Who am I?
Where am I going? What is left? There is a song that plays in my heart, we are made for One. With this life, both joy and grief, both longing and hope, both suffering and rejoicing, we are made to glorify the Creator.
Maybe I will understand someday. Maybe one day these questions will be answered. Maybe it won’t matter. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Because maybe life is about more than here and now, more than why and when, more than this meager existence. Maybe all of it is more. Maybe all of it points to more. To Him.
But this living in the in between, it’s hard. In between heaven and earth, life and death, nothing and everything. I remind myself I’m one day closer. One day closer to heaven and Love. One day closer to seeing my sweet Thao, my Savior Jesus, my precious grandparents. But also, I lament the quickness of this life. It goes so fast and yet, not fast enough. It’s full of pure joy, deep pain and everything in between.
So how do I comfort them? Console them? Encourage them? When there are so many unknowns and life is just hard sometimes. And sad. And there is sorrow and sickness and loss?
I tell them what I whisper to my own soul, see Jesus. Fix your eyes. Let the Lord be your light and your guide. Above everything, above all, give it all to Him, lay it down at the foot of the cross. This is easier said, than done, my little ones, but keep trying, keep seeking His face. When you fall, when you feel down, get back up, let Him lift you up. Pray and read and listen. Speak truth into your soul. What you really know.
Fight the lies. Shine light into dark.
Fall into His arms.
Rest.
Remember who you are and WHOSE you are. And let Love abide.
