it is *still* well with my soul

Somewhere today there are parents holding their child just begging him to breathe. There are parents saying good bye to a child, once so full of life, so full of fight but now limp in their arms. Parents, once so full of joy at the sight of their newborn child, awed at the miracle of birth, now clinging to the hope of heaven, the promise of fullness, wellness and eternity with the Creator. And then here I am, scrubbing floors, fixing lunch, struggling with getting everything done.  I go about my business, my new normal, my routine, but not without thinking of these moments I once was a part of. Moments that shaped me, challenged me, hurt me deeper than I thought possible. Moments seeping with unspeakable peace. Moments I oddly long for at times, just to be nearer that time when I could feel his hand gently squeeze mine. In those moments, I didn't think of anything else. The days that followed were just.....there. I imagine outsiders looking in see the worst being over...the shock, the loss, the funeral. But no, the days to follow, the days when the new normal, forever-ness becomes reality. Nothing really matters so much anymore. Things are just things. The temptation to hold tighter to my children while I still can emerges, but I fight back. I do life again, so many times forcing normalcy for whatever reason. I fight the guilt and sorrow from shattered dreams of Ava having her best friend, her big brother to stand up for her in high school, of Thao and Liam playing baseball together in the back yard, of Thao begging me to ride somewhere, anywhere with a freshly licensed 16 year old Uncle Trey. I don't hold so tightly my children or my husband or my own life. I have learned that my meager attempts at control are just that, attempts. For so much of my life I tried to reason, fix, plan and figure it all out. Who am I trying to fool? I never could get Thao to take his medicine or eat meat, I failed at convincing Ava she really doesn't know how to play piano with out lessons, and Liam totally has me wrapped around his finger at naptime ("awwwwww, Mama....awwww" all while rubbing my face and kissing me). I'm reminded once again, I want to be at that place again, where peace and comfort from Christ are surrounding my moments. When I am slightly annoyed at my so called failures, I remember what is really important. It's not the half completed landscaping or the un made beds or even the bag of chip crumbs that spilled all.over.the.house. (ok that matters a little). No, it's seeing Christ and his blessings in every moment.Seeing the strong will as a gift, for we had a fighter! Seeing the pureness of her heart, free spirited as she is as creativity and innocence. Seeing the extra snuggles instead of the extra time it takes to get him to sleep. My prayer is to be so sensitive to these moments that I don't forget, the power of the peace of Christ. I want to live the rest of my life holding loosely the material things of this world, and dearly close to my heart what really matters.