*Disclaimer: what I'm about to say may sound rather harsh and ungrateful. But, it's not. You see, what I'm about to say is just a lesson learned from a grieving parent.
Don't ever tell me it gets easier. Especially if you've never lost a child. If you just absolutely feel that it is necessary to try and comfort a grieving parent with words (sometimes without words is just much better), try asking questions or use words like "always remember" or "that hole in your heart", "void in your life"....
but please don't tell me it gets easier.
It doesn't get easier. It gets different.
You get used to feeling the emptiness but you start to allow yourself to feel happy and actually DO things again. Each day is different, but you cope and learn and grow until it becomes a new, different kind of sad, joyful, peaceful, emotional, crazy, lonely at times, normal.
And that's ok.
Just last night I started to feel myself be a little more of the normal before-losing-Thao Tiffany.
If you don't know me well, I'm kind of a planner. I was planner to the point of border line obsessive. I lived by my little red calendar that went with me everywhere. Thao and Ava both had birthdays in August. It actually worked out perfectly for my obsessive planning because their birthdays were exactly 2 weeks apart.
** Sidenote: I still have a hard time remembering the date of Liam's birth because he totally threw me off. Thao-August 25, Ava-August 11 (2 weeks later) and Liam-July 12 (I'm sorry but couldn't he have been born EXACTLY one month before or EXACTLY 3 weeks before or something a little more convenient? He was also the only one of my children that I went into labor on my own...hm.)
Back to last night. Since Thao was born, I've been excitedly planning the birthday parties in the spring before their birthday. Yes, I would pretty much have everything set in my mind by May (sometimes March, I know, I know). And Thao LOVED birthdays. He also enjoyed planning. Oh the charts and lists we made! It was glorious.
And when I lost him, I lost "it". I could barely think past lunch or bedtime, let alone plan a birthday party for one of my precious children without the help of my sweet first-born-like-me son. So I haven't. And I felt guilty. So guilty for not doing big wonderful things for Liam's first birthday. I knew Thao would have wanted to, but I couldn't. Now, our birthday parties were far from extravagant. But, they were always fun. We usually made the decorations and party favors and had a little theme. Thao loved art, too.
But last night, a little more than one month until Liam's birthday, and I was able to think about it. Even talk about it. Even I planned a little. Now, don't get me wrong, it's still not extravagant. But it will be fun. And probably loud. And we will smile. Probably through tears.
And I'm pretty sure Thao would be proud of Liam turning three.
I started using a calendar again, too. Actually, I did it without even noticing.
I guess that's what the well meaning friends meant when they said "it gets easier". Because I believe that's what it looks like from the outside. But believe me, it's not easier.
It's just different.
There's always an empty chair.
There's always a hole.
There's a void that no one sees.
There's also HEALING.
It's not because it's easier to live without him, it's because the Healer continues to fill the void with everlasting joy and comfort. It's kind of like feeling the warm spring sunshine after a dark and dreary winter.
And it's ok to have moments, actually I find comfort in moments like today. Today, when at a beautiful wedding, one of Thao's dear little friends, gently helped guide his little sister down the aisle. I miss that for Ava. I miss that for me. I miss that friendship for K.
How thankful I am for that moment today. My prayer everyday this past week was "for sharp memories, like yesterday, of Thao".
God answered that prayer for me through Thao's friend today. Even though it hurts like yesterday, it's comfort to know I remember. My God hears my heart.
Don't ever tell me it gets easier. Especially if you've never lost a child. If you just absolutely feel that it is necessary to try and comfort a grieving parent with words (sometimes without words is just much better), try asking questions or use words like "always remember" or "that hole in your heart", "void in your life"....
but please don't tell me it gets easier.
It doesn't get easier. It gets different.
You get used to feeling the emptiness but you start to allow yourself to feel happy and actually DO things again. Each day is different, but you cope and learn and grow until it becomes a new, different kind of sad, joyful, peaceful, emotional, crazy, lonely at times, normal.
And that's ok.
Just last night I started to feel myself be a little more of the normal before-losing-Thao Tiffany.
If you don't know me well, I'm kind of a planner. I was planner to the point of border line obsessive. I lived by my little red calendar that went with me everywhere. Thao and Ava both had birthdays in August. It actually worked out perfectly for my obsessive planning because their birthdays were exactly 2 weeks apart.
** Sidenote: I still have a hard time remembering the date of Liam's birth because he totally threw me off. Thao-August 25, Ava-August 11 (2 weeks later) and Liam-July 12 (I'm sorry but couldn't he have been born EXACTLY one month before or EXACTLY 3 weeks before or something a little more convenient? He was also the only one of my children that I went into labor on my own...hm.)
Back to last night. Since Thao was born, I've been excitedly planning the birthday parties in the spring before their birthday. Yes, I would pretty much have everything set in my mind by May (sometimes March, I know, I know). And Thao LOVED birthdays. He also enjoyed planning. Oh the charts and lists we made! It was glorious.
And when I lost him, I lost "it". I could barely think past lunch or bedtime, let alone plan a birthday party for one of my precious children without the help of my sweet first-born-like-me son. So I haven't. And I felt guilty. So guilty for not doing big wonderful things for Liam's first birthday. I knew Thao would have wanted to, but I couldn't. Now, our birthday parties were far from extravagant. But, they were always fun. We usually made the decorations and party favors and had a little theme. Thao loved art, too.
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| Photo Credit goes to Lindy Belley |
And I'm pretty sure Thao would be proud of Liam turning three.
I started using a calendar again, too. Actually, I did it without even noticing.
I guess that's what the well meaning friends meant when they said "it gets easier". Because I believe that's what it looks like from the outside. But believe me, it's not easier.
It's just different.
There's always an empty chair.
There's always a hole.
There's a void that no one sees.
There's also HEALING.
It's not because it's easier to live without him, it's because the Healer continues to fill the void with everlasting joy and comfort. It's kind of like feeling the warm spring sunshine after a dark and dreary winter.
And it's ok to have moments, actually I find comfort in moments like today. Today, when at a beautiful wedding, one of Thao's dear little friends, gently helped guide his little sister down the aisle. I miss that for Ava. I miss that for me. I miss that friendship for K.
How thankful I am for that moment today. My prayer everyday this past week was "for sharp memories, like yesterday, of Thao".
God answered that prayer for me through Thao's friend today. Even though it hurts like yesterday, it's comfort to know I remember. My God hears my heart.