Today I am home with 2 sick kids. The weather is beautiful, but we are stuck inside with fevers, lots of dishes, movies and snuggles. My plans for today have changed. I am now pushing fluids and snuggling in jammies. Not exactly what I had planned for the day but that's ok. I couldn't help but wonder what it will be like when I have 4 kids sick. I decided it will not be much different, just double the snuggles. I can handle that.
Tomorrow I will take flowers to the grave of my oldest child. Two and a half years ago we said good bye forever to the long list of ailments as Heaven welcomed him home. Two and a half years. YEARS. I held him for the last time. 2 1/2 years ago he met Jesus face to face, from my arms to His embrace. It's beautiful. It's heart breaking. It's HARD.
It's an invisible lifelong battle. It's a choice to keep living.
So much of me wants to stop. I don't want to do anything that we didn't get to do with Thao. I don't want to give my other kids more or different experiences, especially the ones that Thao wanted to do or planned to do.
And that's not really fair.
And if I would have stopped when he did I would have missed out on so much...
So as hard as it is, little by little, I'm saying "yes" to God. I'm saying yes so that I can live. There is freedom in grace. There is is the freedom to live in His blessings, with forgiveness and love. There is enough of Him to cover every "what if", every doubt, every lonely day.
And it's so worth it.
Because we also have the freedom to remember...
Tomorrow I will take flowers to the grave of my oldest child. Two and a half years ago we said good bye forever to the long list of ailments as Heaven welcomed him home. Two and a half years. YEARS. I held him for the last time. 2 1/2 years ago he met Jesus face to face, from my arms to His embrace. It's beautiful. It's heart breaking. It's HARD.
It's an invisible lifelong battle. It's a choice to keep living.
So much of me wants to stop. I don't want to do anything that we didn't get to do with Thao. I don't want to give my other kids more or different experiences, especially the ones that Thao wanted to do or planned to do.
And that's not really fair.
And if I would have stopped when he did I would have missed out on so much...
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| The fun in camping |
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| Ice cream parties in bed |
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| Going to Africa and... |
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| meeting my newest children. |
So as hard as it is, little by little, I'm saying "yes" to God. I'm saying yes so that I can live. There is freedom in grace. There is is the freedom to live in His blessings, with forgiveness and love. There is enough of Him to cover every "what if", every doubt, every lonely day.
And it's so worth it.
Because we also have the freedom to remember...
And remembering is such a blessing.
It's healing for the soul.
And it's worth it.