It's hard to admit sometimes but I guess I've changed since Thao died.
But then again, I changed when Thao was born.
Sometimes it's difficult to think about his sickness, symptoms, death. The what ifs. The what only. The why.
The blaming game. The guilt. The silence.
I sometimes get angry with myself. I tell myself I should have done more, prayed more, been a better mom. I should have spent less time researching and trying to figure him out and just be.
But that's not the mom I was. And that's not even the mom I am now. I hate the fact that I've changed sometimes. I'm older. I've experienced more with my children. I've learned. That's really important. I've learned some things. I've acquired knowledge that I wasn't just born with.
Because who knows what to do to make your child better all the time? Or listen all the time? And then there's that little thing about the past. And reacting. And regrets. Oh. My. Goodness. Parenting is SO hard.
For much of Thao's short life I begged God for answers, for miracles. Just something.
I so badly wanted Him to reveal to me what I was supposed to do.
I just wanted one little miracle. I just wanted my son to be healthy. I wanted him to be healthy so he wouldn't hurt, so he wouldn't feel left out, so he'd have lots of friends and I'd be a better mom. So I wouldn't have to spend so much time trying so hard.
I wanted it to be easy. It was easy to love him. It was easy to fight for him. It just wasn't enough.
I loved him with my entire being. And I still missed it.
He was my miracle.
I always knew he was a gift from God, the precious child I had prayed for. Curly hair, blue eyes with a slight grin that would make anyone's heart melt.
He was worth every tear past and every tear yet to come. I'd fight for him all over again. Those were some of the hardest, best, most treasured years. And I thank the Lord for the miracle of his little life, the strong personality, the ability to remember.
I have changed.
Thao's life changed me. He sent me on my knees to our Lord. He gave me beautiful memories. He inspired me to be more passionate, loving and adventurous. He made me worry and taught me to relax. He IS my gift from God. And I am so thankful to have been changed by him.
But then again, I changed when Thao was born.
Sometimes it's difficult to think about his sickness, symptoms, death. The what ifs. The what only. The why.
The blaming game. The guilt. The silence.
I sometimes get angry with myself. I tell myself I should have done more, prayed more, been a better mom. I should have spent less time researching and trying to figure him out and just be.
But that's not the mom I was. And that's not even the mom I am now. I hate the fact that I've changed sometimes. I'm older. I've experienced more with my children. I've learned. That's really important. I've learned some things. I've acquired knowledge that I wasn't just born with.
Because who knows what to do to make your child better all the time? Or listen all the time? And then there's that little thing about the past. And reacting. And regrets. Oh. My. Goodness. Parenting is SO hard.
For much of Thao's short life I begged God for answers, for miracles. Just something.
I so badly wanted Him to reveal to me what I was supposed to do.
I just wanted one little miracle. I just wanted my son to be healthy. I wanted him to be healthy so he wouldn't hurt, so he wouldn't feel left out, so he'd have lots of friends and I'd be a better mom. So I wouldn't have to spend so much time trying so hard.
I wanted it to be easy. It was easy to love him. It was easy to fight for him. It just wasn't enough.
I loved him with my entire being. And I still missed it.
He was my miracle.
I always knew he was a gift from God, the precious child I had prayed for. Curly hair, blue eyes with a slight grin that would make anyone's heart melt.
He was worth every tear past and every tear yet to come. I'd fight for him all over again. Those were some of the hardest, best, most treasured years. And I thank the Lord for the miracle of his little life, the strong personality, the ability to remember.
I have changed.
Thao's life changed me. He sent me on my knees to our Lord. He gave me beautiful memories. He inspired me to be more passionate, loving and adventurous. He made me worry and taught me to relax. He IS my gift from God. And I am so thankful to have been changed by him.