I have learned each year will be different. My life will have changed just that much more. I'll be older and our circumstances will be different, our home doesn't look the same, but one thing never changes.
I miss him. That part of my heart that officially made me a mom. Those sparkly blue eyes.
So much of him lives on...but in ways I didn't expect. I've never done this before so I can't say I really expected what I would feel or do.
Three years.
He's been gone as long as Ava even knew him
Three years.
I could sit here and tell you it gets easier with time.
I'd be lying.
I could sit here and say I don't think about him as much.
Again, lying.
I may not speak of him as much, I may not look for him in a crowd. But it's only because I've gotten used to the pain of losing him. Some how I've learned to live without a part of my heart. It hurts no less.
It hurts when no one speaks of him. I feel like I'm rejecting him if I don't mention his name when people ask about my children.
I miss him. It doesn't stop.
I sat through the Christmas program at church. I read the names of his friends. I noticed how tall they are. I see their moms selling toys they've outgrown. It's hard to breath. I know what I'm missing out on.
And my heart aches for those of you on this journey. This journey of loss and confusion. You are not alone.
Loss is real and hard and sometimes nothing can make it easier because nothing can make it go away. We have to learn to live with loss because it's part of life. We have to learn to live with pain because we don't allow ourselves to stop feeling. We have to keep going because we have so much more than just loss. We cannot let the loss define our lives, but we have to live remembering. We have to choose to let it grow us, to push us to Christ.
Because the alternative is scary and lonely. And hope in Christ is the only thing certain in this life.
Because people disappoint us, money gets spent, material possessions break, clothes get holes, cars break down and real people that we love get sick.
And I could let it all pull me down, weigh my heart so heavy I cannot go on. I have that choice. But I choose Christ.
And I think about laying my burdens down. At HIS feet. He carries me.
And I think about the realness of Heaven. The glory. The beauty. JESUS.
I cannot help but be overwhelmed at his LOVE. His MERCY. His GRACE. for every.moment.
And I'm sometimes jealous. Because my Thao is there. He knows Jesus to the fullest.
I'm overwhelmed. Overjoyed. In awe of the love I feel when I think of my Thao in Jesus' arms.
January 13 is coming so quickly, the day Thao met Jesus face to face. And I'm thankful. Thankful for heaven. For real comfort.
And I feel privileged to have been given such a gift as great as my Thao. I'm thankful that the Lord of Creation, created him.
I miss him. That part of my heart that officially made me a mom. Those sparkly blue eyes.
So much of him lives on...but in ways I didn't expect. I've never done this before so I can't say I really expected what I would feel or do.
Three years.
He's been gone as long as Ava even knew him
Three years.
I could sit here and tell you it gets easier with time.
I'd be lying.
I could sit here and say I don't think about him as much.
Again, lying.
I may not speak of him as much, I may not look for him in a crowd. But it's only because I've gotten used to the pain of losing him. Some how I've learned to live without a part of my heart. It hurts no less.
It hurts when no one speaks of him. I feel like I'm rejecting him if I don't mention his name when people ask about my children.
I miss him. It doesn't stop.
I sat through the Christmas program at church. I read the names of his friends. I noticed how tall they are. I see their moms selling toys they've outgrown. It's hard to breath. I know what I'm missing out on.
And my heart aches for those of you on this journey. This journey of loss and confusion. You are not alone.
Loss is real and hard and sometimes nothing can make it easier because nothing can make it go away. We have to learn to live with loss because it's part of life. We have to learn to live with pain because we don't allow ourselves to stop feeling. We have to keep going because we have so much more than just loss. We cannot let the loss define our lives, but we have to live remembering. We have to choose to let it grow us, to push us to Christ.
Because the alternative is scary and lonely. And hope in Christ is the only thing certain in this life.
Because people disappoint us, money gets spent, material possessions break, clothes get holes, cars break down and real people that we love get sick.
And I could let it all pull me down, weigh my heart so heavy I cannot go on. I have that choice. But I choose Christ.
And I think about laying my burdens down. At HIS feet. He carries me.
And I think about the realness of Heaven. The glory. The beauty. JESUS.
I cannot help but be overwhelmed at his LOVE. His MERCY. His GRACE. for every.moment.
And I'm sometimes jealous. Because my Thao is there. He knows Jesus to the fullest.
I'm overwhelmed. Overjoyed. In awe of the love I feel when I think of my Thao in Jesus' arms.
January 13 is coming so quickly, the day Thao met Jesus face to face. And I'm thankful. Thankful for heaven. For real comfort.
And I feel privileged to have been given such a gift as great as my Thao. I'm thankful that the Lord of Creation, created him.