I'm not really one for New Year's Resolutions. I just hate to set expectations for myself that I know I won't keep (seriously, I'm still trying to drink 1 gallon of water per day, but coffee. Oh coffee is SO good in these subzero temps).
And honestly, I just don't have the desire to give up my ice cream. It's yummy. I enjoy eating it with my kids. Or my friends. Especially my husband at the end of a long day. It's great to eat in front of the fireplace. Or in bed. I really think movie theaters should sell ice cream instead of popcorn. And is it really a rule that you can only eat ice cream once a day? Or did I just make that up?
Anyway. Resolutions. I don't make them.
If I want to change something I just DO IT. If I feel God leading me to something, I (try to) follow.
But a new year comes with a sense of a fresh start. There is something about a fresh start, a clean slate. We measure time in minutes, days, weeks, years. And sometimes it's nice to have a definite end to something.
Like maybe some of you had a really rough 2014. It's probably nice to feel as if you have a new start. And that's ok. But sometimes we have to choose to see the good, even in the rough years.
I didn't exactly have a rough 2014. But I had a friend ask me how I was sum up my year. Reflection. How would I tell someone about my 2014.
Waiting.
2014 was my year of waiting. I learned this past year that I am not a patient person. I want to DO something. And as long as I have something to DO, I don't feel like I'm just waiting. Waiting seems like such a waste of time.
Upon more reflection I learned that I'm the kind of person that once something is decided, I want to get it done. And being undecided. Well, that's just not an option.
So my year of waiting wasn't too bad until I ran out of papers to fill out. It wasn't terrible until both kids were healthy and legally ready to come home.
It wasn't even that bad until we hit the point that I told myself I could wait until. (Weird. Something else I learned, I set these rules or expectations. I just decide things and I'm ok. Until it doesn't go my way.) I decided I was ok, because God must be preparing all our hearts for each other. I decided that He must need until April, no September, no Christmas to prepare our hearts.
Huh.
Maybe our hearts aren't ready. I sure feel ready.
Maybe I just need to get everything in place. Then came the biggest nesting phase of all time. Have you ever been pregnant? You are just enjoying the pregnancy (or surviving, whichever), and then you get halfway and you hit this great milestone. You're so excited because you are halfway. You can buy things and prepare now.
But then all of a sudden you are 37 weeks. And you realize, even though each time you are something like 45 weeks pregnant when you FINALLY go into labor (not really, I know the length of pregnancy is 40 weeks, I promise, but if you've ever gone past your due date, you understand. It feels like 45 weeks.) But you panic anyway because this might just be the baby that decides to come early. So you clean. And you organize. Pack bags. Wash clothes. Make freezer meals, whatever.
Picture that but 2 years in. Because that's where we are, guys. 2.5 years into this paper pregnancy. Our kids have grown so much. We've gone through 3 sizes of clothes while we are waiting (not me, although adoption weight gain is a REAL THING).
But somehow, I look back at my year of waiting and I realize I have to choose to see the good in it. I'm a do-er, of course, so I DO something.
And then the other day something came up about a 16 year old getting married. I quickly piped up, I would have married Jeff when I was 16, but he wasn't ready. (I know, right?) But the thing is, when I decide something I don't understand the wait. Why in the world would you wait when you KNOW what you are going to do?
And then I realized. There is growth in the wait. There is a time of learning. Of trusting. And sometimes part of that growing is learning how to NOT DO ANYTHING.
Jeff , my sweet husband, is constantly telling me not to worry so much about things that I have no control over. I just don't get it. Or I didn't. But I'm learning.
And I am publicly telling you, he's right. (Love you,babe!)
Because waiting, letting go of the things that we cannot control, trusting. It's all part of the journey. I want to get on with it. I used to think Thao would just doddle here and there. But really, he was enjoying the journey. It wasn't that he wasn't excited or thrilled to go where ever we were headed. It's just that he was ok waiting for it. He noticed the small things. He saw the good in walking up to the house, the bugs crawling on the ground, the squirrels, the sticks, the cicada shells, the twinkling stars, airplanes....My goal was the door. Get to it, through it and move on to the next task.
I'm thankful Thao taught me to slow down. I'm thankful Jeff has taught me to let go. I can empty myself of all the rush, the hurry, the task oriented days, but I need to fill myself up with the good. I need to fill myself up with Jesus.
I made it through my year of waiting. I have more waiting to do this year, but this year is a fresh start. This year I will be "doing" less and "being" more. I will be at the feet of Jesus so he can fill me up. I will be present with my family and friends and less distracted by my TO DO list. I want to BE filled with Jesus, so I can be overflowing with His love. This year, I pray, will be the year of "Being".
And honestly, I just don't have the desire to give up my ice cream. It's yummy. I enjoy eating it with my kids. Or my friends. Especially my husband at the end of a long day. It's great to eat in front of the fireplace. Or in bed. I really think movie theaters should sell ice cream instead of popcorn. And is it really a rule that you can only eat ice cream once a day? Or did I just make that up?
Anyway. Resolutions. I don't make them.
If I want to change something I just DO IT. If I feel God leading me to something, I (try to) follow.
But a new year comes with a sense of a fresh start. There is something about a fresh start, a clean slate. We measure time in minutes, days, weeks, years. And sometimes it's nice to have a definite end to something.
Like maybe some of you had a really rough 2014. It's probably nice to feel as if you have a new start. And that's ok. But sometimes we have to choose to see the good, even in the rough years.
I didn't exactly have a rough 2014. But I had a friend ask me how I was sum up my year. Reflection. How would I tell someone about my 2014.
Waiting.
2014 was my year of waiting. I learned this past year that I am not a patient person. I want to DO something. And as long as I have something to DO, I don't feel like I'm just waiting. Waiting seems like such a waste of time.
Upon more reflection I learned that I'm the kind of person that once something is decided, I want to get it done. And being undecided. Well, that's just not an option.
So my year of waiting wasn't too bad until I ran out of papers to fill out. It wasn't terrible until both kids were healthy and legally ready to come home.
It wasn't even that bad until we hit the point that I told myself I could wait until. (Weird. Something else I learned, I set these rules or expectations. I just decide things and I'm ok. Until it doesn't go my way.) I decided I was ok, because God must be preparing all our hearts for each other. I decided that He must need until April, no September, no Christmas to prepare our hearts.
Huh.
Maybe our hearts aren't ready. I sure feel ready.
Maybe I just need to get everything in place. Then came the biggest nesting phase of all time. Have you ever been pregnant? You are just enjoying the pregnancy (or surviving, whichever), and then you get halfway and you hit this great milestone. You're so excited because you are halfway. You can buy things and prepare now.
But then all of a sudden you are 37 weeks. And you realize, even though each time you are something like 45 weeks pregnant when you FINALLY go into labor (not really, I know the length of pregnancy is 40 weeks, I promise, but if you've ever gone past your due date, you understand. It feels like 45 weeks.) But you panic anyway because this might just be the baby that decides to come early. So you clean. And you organize. Pack bags. Wash clothes. Make freezer meals, whatever.
Picture that but 2 years in. Because that's where we are, guys. 2.5 years into this paper pregnancy. Our kids have grown so much. We've gone through 3 sizes of clothes while we are waiting (not me, although adoption weight gain is a REAL THING).
But somehow, I look back at my year of waiting and I realize I have to choose to see the good in it. I'm a do-er, of course, so I DO something.
And then the other day something came up about a 16 year old getting married. I quickly piped up, I would have married Jeff when I was 16, but he wasn't ready. (I know, right?) But the thing is, when I decide something I don't understand the wait. Why in the world would you wait when you KNOW what you are going to do?
And then I realized. There is growth in the wait. There is a time of learning. Of trusting. And sometimes part of that growing is learning how to NOT DO ANYTHING.
Jeff , my sweet husband, is constantly telling me not to worry so much about things that I have no control over. I just don't get it. Or I didn't. But I'm learning.
And I am publicly telling you, he's right. (Love you,babe!)
Because waiting, letting go of the things that we cannot control, trusting. It's all part of the journey. I want to get on with it. I used to think Thao would just doddle here and there. But really, he was enjoying the journey. It wasn't that he wasn't excited or thrilled to go where ever we were headed. It's just that he was ok waiting for it. He noticed the small things. He saw the good in walking up to the house, the bugs crawling on the ground, the squirrels, the sticks, the cicada shells, the twinkling stars, airplanes....My goal was the door. Get to it, through it and move on to the next task.
I'm thankful Thao taught me to slow down. I'm thankful Jeff has taught me to let go. I can empty myself of all the rush, the hurry, the task oriented days, but I need to fill myself up with the good. I need to fill myself up with Jesus.
I made it through my year of waiting. I have more waiting to do this year, but this year is a fresh start. This year I will be "doing" less and "being" more. I will be at the feet of Jesus so he can fill me up. I will be present with my family and friends and less distracted by my TO DO list. I want to BE filled with Jesus, so I can be overflowing with His love. This year, I pray, will be the year of "Being".