So this adoption thing. It's just really hard sometimes. In ways I know our journey hasn't even begun. Our kids are not even home.
Someone once told me that you have no choice but to love someone you pray for so often.
That barely begins to describe the feelings we have about our far away children.
And let me tell you, the anxiety can and WILL get to you when you are adopting. You WILL feel crazy (you kind of are). You WILL feel alone (you aren't). You WILL have moments of helplessness and hopelessness and downright despair.
Maybe God uses this to prepare you for what your child has felt and will feel.
And every time I have that "what was I thinking" moment pop into my head, I immediately remember, God is here. He is near. And I do not understand any of it.
When I think about how simply unfair it is that we have waited so long to bring these children into our country, our home and our family, I remember how simply unfair life has been to them. But God is near.
God is nearer in those moments. I can feel Him.I cannot always explain it.
But there are times, dark times. There are times when I feel as though I am alone. That everyone has forgotten these children. I worry about their safety, their health, their understanding. I wonder how it will all work out. I start to panic when I think of the money. I start to say things like "I can't do this" or "never again".
I forget God. I get so far away from the wondrous things he has done in and through this adoption. I see the other families who started later and have already brought their children home. I ask myself how much longer I can take this.
I can't. I can't take this. But God can. God knows where my children are, he knows their words and their thoughts. He can be near to them.
I can't do this. I'm not supposed to. I have seen God move and meet needs. I have seen our hearts drawn to this country, this culture that honestly, we should run from. Not because of anything they've done, but because it's not safe or secure, or home. It doesn't make sense.
People will judge us. They will think we are crazy. We kind of are. It seems crazy to put others needs above our own. It looks crazy to risk so much. Emotionally, physically, spiritually it is draining. Financially, it's just not great. We cannot even make a dent in the orphan crisis, but to these children, we have changed their lives. They are fed. They are getting an education. They are wanted. They are loved. They know about Jesus.
So when I think about the craziness. When I wonder how the needs will be met. I remember that Jesus met them all. These children, created by God, loved by God....are.so.worth.it.
And yes, I'd do it all over again.
Now, this morning, I was in despair. Feeling alone. Sad. Wondering what in the world is going to happen in our adoption. Serious anxiety, you guys. Adoption is messy. And hard. And I was letting myself get sucked into it. The guilt. The sadness. The what if's.
I have begun to just hate decisions. I am so tired, weary really. I just want to parent all my children on the same continent. Is that really too much to ask?
I forgot God again. I just took Him out of the equation. I forgot how BIG He is. I forgot his love. I forgot His promises. I chose to bear my burden alone.
And then, just as it was when Thao was in the hospital, I quietly started counting some good things. I wanted to choose joy, peace, hope. It just seemed so very far away. I wanted to pray, but goodness, it is just so hard sometimes. What do I pray for? Do I ask God for a miracle? What if that doesn't happen? How do I explain that to my kids?
I forgot God again. He wants me to come to Him. To ask these questions, to be real. He wants me to pray without ceasing. He knows my nasty little thoughts. He knows my doubts and fears. He also knows the BIG PICTURE. And I don't.
So I began to name the blessings in our adoption.....the ways God met our needs, even before we knew them. And it was good.
But I still felt alone, humanly.
And then...today...on Facebook, one by one....my dear friends...started sharing that (oh my goodness, I looked so goofy) interview. Our story, my kids' story. They shared the petition, with a plea to their friends to share. Every few seconds, my phone would light up with another friend sharing our story. We are so loved. My kids are so loved. Cared for. Strangers, acquaintances, friends, family, you have blessed me and my family today. Please know how sorry I am to have these feelings. How could I think I was so alone?
And then I clicked on the link to the petition.....all over that first page were the initial of MY PEOPLE!!! My people. Oh, I am dearly loved, my kids are not even going to know what to do with themselves.
How can I say thanks.....again?
Someone once told me that you have no choice but to love someone you pray for so often.
That barely begins to describe the feelings we have about our far away children.
And let me tell you, the anxiety can and WILL get to you when you are adopting. You WILL feel crazy (you kind of are). You WILL feel alone (you aren't). You WILL have moments of helplessness and hopelessness and downright despair.
Maybe God uses this to prepare you for what your child has felt and will feel.
And every time I have that "what was I thinking" moment pop into my head, I immediately remember, God is here. He is near. And I do not understand any of it.
When I think about how simply unfair it is that we have waited so long to bring these children into our country, our home and our family, I remember how simply unfair life has been to them. But God is near.
God is nearer in those moments. I can feel Him.I cannot always explain it.
But there are times, dark times. There are times when I feel as though I am alone. That everyone has forgotten these children. I worry about their safety, their health, their understanding. I wonder how it will all work out. I start to panic when I think of the money. I start to say things like "I can't do this" or "never again".
I forget God. I get so far away from the wondrous things he has done in and through this adoption. I see the other families who started later and have already brought their children home. I ask myself how much longer I can take this.
I can't. I can't take this. But God can. God knows where my children are, he knows their words and their thoughts. He can be near to them.
I can't do this. I'm not supposed to. I have seen God move and meet needs. I have seen our hearts drawn to this country, this culture that honestly, we should run from. Not because of anything they've done, but because it's not safe or secure, or home. It doesn't make sense.
People will judge us. They will think we are crazy. We kind of are. It seems crazy to put others needs above our own. It looks crazy to risk so much. Emotionally, physically, spiritually it is draining. Financially, it's just not great. We cannot even make a dent in the orphan crisis, but to these children, we have changed their lives. They are fed. They are getting an education. They are wanted. They are loved. They know about Jesus.
So when I think about the craziness. When I wonder how the needs will be met. I remember that Jesus met them all. These children, created by God, loved by God....are.so.worth.it.
And yes, I'd do it all over again.
Now, this morning, I was in despair. Feeling alone. Sad. Wondering what in the world is going to happen in our adoption. Serious anxiety, you guys. Adoption is messy. And hard. And I was letting myself get sucked into it. The guilt. The sadness. The what if's.
I have begun to just hate decisions. I am so tired, weary really. I just want to parent all my children on the same continent. Is that really too much to ask?
I forgot God again. I just took Him out of the equation. I forgot how BIG He is. I forgot his love. I forgot His promises. I chose to bear my burden alone.
And then, just as it was when Thao was in the hospital, I quietly started counting some good things. I wanted to choose joy, peace, hope. It just seemed so very far away. I wanted to pray, but goodness, it is just so hard sometimes. What do I pray for? Do I ask God for a miracle? What if that doesn't happen? How do I explain that to my kids?
I forgot God again. He wants me to come to Him. To ask these questions, to be real. He wants me to pray without ceasing. He knows my nasty little thoughts. He knows my doubts and fears. He also knows the BIG PICTURE. And I don't.
So I began to name the blessings in our adoption.....the ways God met our needs, even before we knew them. And it was good.
But I still felt alone, humanly.
And then...today...on Facebook, one by one....my dear friends...started sharing that (oh my goodness, I looked so goofy) interview. Our story, my kids' story. They shared the petition, with a plea to their friends to share. Every few seconds, my phone would light up with another friend sharing our story. We are so loved. My kids are so loved. Cared for. Strangers, acquaintances, friends, family, you have blessed me and my family today. Please know how sorry I am to have these feelings. How could I think I was so alone?
And then I clicked on the link to the petition.....all over that first page were the initial of MY PEOPLE!!! My people. Oh, I am dearly loved, my kids are not even going to know what to do with themselves.
How can I say thanks.....again?