It's been busy around here. Homeschool, babysitting, being a mom and a wife (and sister of the bride!)...all these "normal" things are enough but then we add adoption and fire and insurance.
Goodness. I'm tired.
I dislike shopping.
Decisions are difficult for me. (Gray or white? But then what happens when I am tired of them?)
I love being outside. But living in town is a real struggle for me. I dislike being outside in town. It's not relaxing for me. I want contentment. It's a true battle.
But I am thankful for this house. And my house that is being put back together.
And I truly feel as though I could live anywhere right now as long as my family together.
Why is contentment so hard for me?
I have a strong dislike for things that take up my precious time with my family. Unless it has purpose.
It's been hard for me to find purpose in doing 88 pages of inventory. (Yes, I know it has purpose, but priority is another story altogether. I have found something I put off more than scrubbing the bathtub. And I really, really despise cleaning the bathtub.)
All these things along with my Congolese babies still being on the other side of the world, have been so heavy. I'm weary. I'm tired. Yet, I feel as though all these lists are nagging. They weigh heavy on my mind because I physically need to do them. Ugh.
And winter is coming so I want to soak up all the sunshine. (Another excuse not to do inventory, probably.)
But the thing is, I easily lose focus. I do it all the time. Then today as we were driving the kids and I had a conversation about "bad" bugs.
Liam: "Why did God make the bad bugs, Mommy?"
Me: "God made our world perfect, but then Adam and Eve sinned. When they made that one bad choice, everything changed. The whole world became sinful."
Ava: "We all make bad choices. Bad choices are sin. Satan told them lies, Liam. But Jesus died for our sins."
Liam (as he bursts into tears): "I don't like sin, Mommy! Why can't all sin die like the bad bugs?"
I am thankful.
I may be struggling deeply right now because of "stuff" but let me tell you, I wouldn't trade these moments for anything. To have a real, meaningful conversation about Jesus saving us from our sins, in the midst of this chaos. In the midst of this scary, crazy world.
And then there's the older sister explaining Jesus to little brother.
There's Liam's sensitive heart.
There's the reminder of how these kids are like their brother in so many ways.
There's the gifts of children and time and family and creation.
So I may be tired, but I am counting my blessings.
I may have a list 5 miles long, but I am able to do it.
I have had a lot of hard days recently, but I have the reminder that this will pass. This is a phase of life that is quite difficult for me. And it's not the fire, you guys. It's me, missing my kids. Wanting desperately for them to be home. It's the additional stress of decision making, but it's not even the fact that we lost so many earthly possessions. It's the fact that it takes up so much of my time that I'd prefer to be spending with my kids and other people I love. But it will be over soon enough. And someday I want to look back and remember these precious conversations. I want to remember their grateful hearts when they lost everything. I want to remember people's sweet notes and encouraging prayers. I am going to choose not to wish it away. Because this time of trial, of brokenness, of weariness, is also a very sweet time of being close to Jesus. Because again, I find myself in that place where I must cling to Him and Him only.
This place of brokenness, where I open my heart and hands to Jesus for Him to use me and my family and this hard thing (or things) for His glory.
How do we use these hard times for His glory?
We continually come back to Him. We sink low into a sad place sometimes and we let Him draw us out. We don't lose heart because "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
So maybe bad things happen. Maybe everything bad happens. Maybe we lose everything. Maybe we wait entirely too long for our children to come home. Maybe life isn't fair and isn't easy.
I may get tired. I may grow weary. I may have a lot of really hard days. But I want it all to be worth it, pointing people to Christ. Giving my children Jesus. Growing deeper in love with Him, with my husband, with my family. I hate the busyness, but it must be done. I hate the stuff, but it must be had. I hate my own expectations of myself, but I'm learning to be more flexible.
We were never promised fair or easy. Because sin has not died yet and the battle is not over. But in the end, God works it all out for good for those that love Him. And in the end, I know heaven is where home truly is. And in the end, Jesus is there waiting for me. And that is good.
Goodness. I'm tired.
I dislike shopping.
Decisions are difficult for me. (Gray or white? But then what happens when I am tired of them?)
I love being outside. But living in town is a real struggle for me. I dislike being outside in town. It's not relaxing for me. I want contentment. It's a true battle.
But I am thankful for this house. And my house that is being put back together.
And I truly feel as though I could live anywhere right now as long as my family together.
Why is contentment so hard for me?
I have a strong dislike for things that take up my precious time with my family. Unless it has purpose.
It's been hard for me to find purpose in doing 88 pages of inventory. (Yes, I know it has purpose, but priority is another story altogether. I have found something I put off more than scrubbing the bathtub. And I really, really despise cleaning the bathtub.)
All these things along with my Congolese babies still being on the other side of the world, have been so heavy. I'm weary. I'm tired. Yet, I feel as though all these lists are nagging. They weigh heavy on my mind because I physically need to do them. Ugh.
And winter is coming so I want to soak up all the sunshine. (Another excuse not to do inventory, probably.)
But the thing is, I easily lose focus. I do it all the time. Then today as we were driving the kids and I had a conversation about "bad" bugs.
Liam: "Why did God make the bad bugs, Mommy?"
Me: "God made our world perfect, but then Adam and Eve sinned. When they made that one bad choice, everything changed. The whole world became sinful."
Ava: "We all make bad choices. Bad choices are sin. Satan told them lies, Liam. But Jesus died for our sins."
Liam (as he bursts into tears): "I don't like sin, Mommy! Why can't all sin die like the bad bugs?"
I am thankful.
 |
| Thankful for progress. The first layer of siding is coming off and the new will be on soon. Refreshing. |
I may be struggling deeply right now because of "stuff" but let me tell you, I wouldn't trade these moments for anything. To have a real, meaningful conversation about Jesus saving us from our sins, in the midst of this chaos. In the midst of this scary, crazy world.
And then there's the older sister explaining Jesus to little brother.
There's Liam's sensitive heart.
There's the reminder of how these kids are like their brother in so many ways.
There's the gifts of children and time and family and creation.
So I may be tired, but I am counting my blessings.
I may have a list 5 miles long, but I am able to do it.
I have had a lot of hard days recently, but I have the reminder that this will pass. This is a phase of life that is quite difficult for me. And it's not the fire, you guys. It's me, missing my kids. Wanting desperately for them to be home. It's the additional stress of decision making, but it's not even the fact that we lost so many earthly possessions. It's the fact that it takes up so much of my time that I'd prefer to be spending with my kids and other people I love. But it will be over soon enough. And someday I want to look back and remember these precious conversations. I want to remember their grateful hearts when they lost everything. I want to remember people's sweet notes and encouraging prayers. I am going to choose not to wish it away. Because this time of trial, of brokenness, of weariness, is also a very sweet time of being close to Jesus. Because again, I find myself in that place where I must cling to Him and Him only.
This place of brokenness, where I open my heart and hands to Jesus for Him to use me and my family and this hard thing (or things) for His glory.
How do we use these hard times for His glory?
We continually come back to Him. We sink low into a sad place sometimes and we let Him draw us out. We don't lose heart because "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
So maybe bad things happen. Maybe everything bad happens. Maybe we lose everything. Maybe we wait entirely too long for our children to come home. Maybe life isn't fair and isn't easy.
I may get tired. I may grow weary. I may have a lot of really hard days. But I want it all to be worth it, pointing people to Christ. Giving my children Jesus. Growing deeper in love with Him, with my husband, with my family. I hate the busyness, but it must be done. I hate the stuff, but it must be had. I hate my own expectations of myself, but I'm learning to be more flexible.
We were never promised fair or easy. Because sin has not died yet and the battle is not over. But in the end, God works it all out for good for those that love Him. And in the end, I know heaven is where home truly is. And in the end, Jesus is there waiting for me. And that is good.