It would be so much easier if I could just simply mind my own. Someone lamented to me recently that marriages all around them were falling apart.
Falling apart. Marriage in ruins. The entire sacred union of marriage is hanging by a thread it feels. Everything wants to threaten marriage. Everything is attacking marriage, our souls, our values our relationships. Everywhere we turn someone chose to run instead of fight. To fall out of love, follow their feelings, listen to their hearts…what ever happened to falling to our knees? Following the Lord? Listening to each other?
It would be so much easier if I only was concerned with my own marriage. I do not want to write this.
But yet, I do. I do because I care. I care deeply about the sanctity of marriage. I care deeply for the souls on the verge of running. I desperately want marriages around me to thrive.
So, I’ll tell you what happened. We are selfish. We are human. We are broken. We are weak. All of us. And all of us are just one decision away from breaking everything, from marriage in ruins, life in chaos…I mean everything.
This is absolutely the center of it all. We are a mess. And when two messed up, selfish, weak, broken people unite and hope for the best…there are bumps to say the least.
Let’s begin with that, shall we? If we begin to believe we are above the mess, better than the broken, too high to fall…full stop. We just need Jesus.
Let’s say you are married. Broken. Selfish. Needy. Married.
And your spouse is the same.
As you seek approval and love and respect, etc. You have a choice. Will you expect your soulmate to fill those holes in your life? What will fill you up? When you are desperate? Insecure? Lonely? Angry?
If you are, like me, turning first to your spouse.
Then you are, like me, wrong.
Your husband, as amazing as he is, can never fill you up the way you need. The hole in your heart and your life and your soul is made for God alone. He will be the only one to fill you completely. And if you dance into your marriage with the expectation that your groom will meet every need, fill every void and enter the room glowing with the absolute perfect love you desire and never fail you, you are setting yourself and your hubby up to be disappointed at the least and complete failure at worst.
First, seek Christ.
Seek Him will all your heart. He will not fail you. Dig into scripture. Find a mentor. Read the books. Go to church. Listen to podcasts. But above all, spend time with the Lord. Listen for His gentle leading and pray.
So many people are under the false understanding that if you get your life aligned with Christ, all things will fall into place. You’ll meet your spouse. You’ll get married, have babies, never gain weight, be filled with joy all the time, etc. Life will go according to plan and it will be good.
Life is good. But it hasn’t gone as planned.
Jeff and I began our married life the same year my parents divorced. It’s been a while now, but it’s still not fun to talk about. No one really wants to talk about a marriage ending. But my parents’ marriage ended as mine began.
Jeff and I were young. We had no money. Our pastor told the story of our pre-marital counseling often. He made it sound like we expected to survive on love alone. I think we came across that way to a lot of people. It also could have looked as though Jeff was rescuing me from the brokenness that was consuming my family at that time. We worked through so much of the hard in pre-marital counseling. The deeper questions. The ones no one wants to ask. The things no one wants to talk about.
I say all this to say, we are all broken. Red flags aside, we are human. We can overcome adversity or we can let things control and consume us. There are plenty of reasons not to get married. Fear is one. Desperation is another. I could keep going but you get the idea.
There are also plenty of reasons to get married. But the one that I believe matters most is this, ask yourself, does this person point me to Jesus and make me pursue holiness?
If the answer is yes, then keep moving forward. Does his life align with what Jesus calls us to as Believers? Does marriage with this person align with the biblical view of marriage?
If the answer is yes, then, again, let’s keep going.
Clearly none of this matters if you are ALREADY married. That’s another conversation that we will have.
Right now, before the vows, I want to challenge you to dig deep. Ask the hard questions. Bow low before the Father. Be honest with yourself. Pursue holiness in Christ.
And if you move forward with marriage, remember the broken. Remember grace. Remember forgiveness. Remember Jesus. Remember the truest Love.