I told Jeff one night that I'm finally in that place. This adoption has been anything but easy. It's pretty messy, really. We are STUCK. For over 500 days I have been feeling like my life has been in a state of transition. Always preparing. Always doing. Always, always getting ready. I make plans with my disclaimer at the end, *unless we are in Africa*.
I'm sure my friends are a little tired of hearing that. But I keep hoping for this new normal, this sense of completeness, this beginning of something beautiful. I keep dreaming of having my family all on one continent.
Sure, it's scary. And the longer they wait, the older get they get. We set out to adopt a child younger than our oldest. She was 3 years old when we started this process.
She's six and a half now.
And I have been in constant torment. I've had peace, but still I'm DOING things to ready myself and my family, our home, their clothes...our schedule. I've had peace, but I choke it out with my to do list.
Because I'm a next step girl.
I cross it off my list. I have peace about this because March isn't too far away. September. December. And each time I wrestle again, fighting for peace, searching for contentment.
How can I feel content when I am constantly waiting? Hoping? Wondering? When I have 2 empty beds in my home? When my children here are growing up before my eyes and my children there are growing up without me? It's not fair. It's not right. It's not what I expected.
But it is. It is life. It is real.
And yes God keeps giving me peace but I choke it out with my limitations, my expectations, my way.
So last week I was telling Jeff, I'm finally in that place. I'm there. I'm content. I'm thankful. I'm at peace. This is how God has asked us to parent these children right now. It may change. It may not. I have to be ok with that.
So then I said, "But what now? What do I do now? How long do I wait? I want more children?"
He gently reminded me, "One day at a time. You're a next step person. Just be patient"
I am a next step person. And I suddenly felt like begging God to please take that away from me. I can't help it. I'm always looking for the next thing. What now?
And then, this weekend, I went to IF:Local. I've been really excited about going (but always thinking I *might be in Africa*) And something made a little more sense to me.
I was sitting there the first night. People around me teared up. I just sat there. I was asking God to please reveal to me what I should be doing for him. And listening to these women share Christ, speaking, writing.
I keep arguing with God that he doesn't need me. All these women have already done it. I'm not good enough.
And I just sit. I listen. I know I need to say yes. To obey God. And deep down in my soul, I know. I have known, I keep fighting it.
Maybe there is no next step right now. I cannot move past this, because he's not finished with me yet. Being a next step person is ok as long as my next step is God-led. As long as my next step is relinquishing control of myself, my kids, my time.
I willl press on. I will be still. I will continue saying yes, even if it's not the next step I envision. I'm not good enough, but Jesus is. And he covers that for me.
I'm sure my friends are a little tired of hearing that. But I keep hoping for this new normal, this sense of completeness, this beginning of something beautiful. I keep dreaming of having my family all on one continent.
Sure, it's scary. And the longer they wait, the older get they get. We set out to adopt a child younger than our oldest. She was 3 years old when we started this process.
She's six and a half now.
And I have been in constant torment. I've had peace, but still I'm DOING things to ready myself and my family, our home, their clothes...our schedule. I've had peace, but I choke it out with my to do list.
Because I'm a next step girl.
I cross it off my list. I have peace about this because March isn't too far away. September. December. And each time I wrestle again, fighting for peace, searching for contentment.
How can I feel content when I am constantly waiting? Hoping? Wondering? When I have 2 empty beds in my home? When my children here are growing up before my eyes and my children there are growing up without me? It's not fair. It's not right. It's not what I expected.
But it is. It is life. It is real.
And yes God keeps giving me peace but I choke it out with my limitations, my expectations, my way.
So last week I was telling Jeff, I'm finally in that place. I'm there. I'm content. I'm thankful. I'm at peace. This is how God has asked us to parent these children right now. It may change. It may not. I have to be ok with that.
So then I said, "But what now? What do I do now? How long do I wait? I want more children?"
He gently reminded me, "One day at a time. You're a next step person. Just be patient"
I am a next step person. And I suddenly felt like begging God to please take that away from me. I can't help it. I'm always looking for the next thing. What now?
And then, this weekend, I went to IF:Local. I've been really excited about going (but always thinking I *might be in Africa*) And something made a little more sense to me.
I was sitting there the first night. People around me teared up. I just sat there. I was asking God to please reveal to me what I should be doing for him. And listening to these women share Christ, speaking, writing.
I keep arguing with God that he doesn't need me. All these women have already done it. I'm not good enough.
And I just sit. I listen. I know I need to say yes. To obey God. And deep down in my soul, I know. I have known, I keep fighting it.
Maybe there is no next step right now. I cannot move past this, because he's not finished with me yet. Being a next step person is ok as long as my next step is God-led. As long as my next step is relinquishing control of myself, my kids, my time.
I willl press on. I will be still. I will continue saying yes, even if it's not the next step I envision. I'm not good enough, but Jesus is. And he covers that for me.