On Failing

Somedays I find it more difficult to dig into my own feelings. I avoid the pain. I grit my teeth at the suffering. I click on things like "Ten Best Deals on Amazon" or "How to Organize Your Small Bathroom". I rarely buy the things. But sometimes I do. I procrastinate. I stall. I fail you.

You might be asking how this has anything to do with you at all. How my wanderings pertain to your life. How I feel responsible for anything with you at all.

That's it through, my friend. That's the very deal. I zone out, veg out, peace out to the world. All so I don't have to see it all. Feel it all. Know it all.

I believe the lies that I have nothing to offer (this one is so huge for me!).

I believe that everyone is more put together than me. I believe that you all have it figured out. I believe that I am no good enough. I'm too frazzled. I am too much and not enough.

And this is where I fail.

Because I ask you if you want to have joy in your marriage. I ask you how I can help you. I pray for you. I stop.

I freeze. I excuse myself with busyness. With life. With false humility. When in actuality, I have Jesus. His righteousness, his grace, his abundant love covers it all.

I will never, ever get it all right. I will never arrive this side of heaven.

But I have been wasting time. And I need you to forgive me.

I froze when so many wanted more of me. Because I believed the lie that it was me you wanted. MY advice on marriage. MY time. MY knowledge. Maybe you thought that's what you wanted, too. But see, what you are really craving, is Jesus. It's all about Jesus.

Our marriages. Our relationships. Our parenting. Our self-confidence. Jesus.

And what you are really asking for when you answer my questions, is for someone to point you to Him.

So here I am. I will fail. But I will try.

Please, dear friends. I humbly ask, seek His face. Seek Him above all. Above your husband and your friend, your mom or you daughter. Seek His face.

Let's do this together. Parenting together. And pointing each other to Christ.

I'm terrified to write words that someday I may regret. It has held me back from writing, from sharing, but the thing is, I will continue to learn and re-learn. To grow and to hunger. To become more holy, until the Holy One calls me home.

And I truly hope you come along on this journey. We, as sojourners in this crazy, lovely, chaotic world, until we are called Home.